The 10th Essential Skill: Apology

by Ellyn Davis

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In the last newsletter I shared 9 Essential Skills Every Child Should Learn. Since then I've discovered a 10th: the skill of apologizing appropriately. Many of us don't know how to offer an apology in a way that is meaningful to the person we've offended or appropriate for the extent of the offense. So add that to your list of essential skills to teach your children.

The incident that started me thinking about apologies had to do with a clogged garbage disposal line. I have a friend who is a delight to be around. She's generally like a breath of fresh air because of her bubbly personality and sunny outlook on life. She"s a very caring person, but she's clueless when it comes to knowing when and how to apologize when she ruffles the feathers of the people around her. Her way of dealing with ruffled feathers is to laugh and pass the blame and act like whatever she did to bother them was trivial. Last night she filled our garbage disposal with things she had been told it could not handle. The result—a flooded kitchen floor and a severely blocked sink drain that necessitated me calling in a plumber.

Her response? No apology. No, "Oh wow! I'm sorry if something I did caused this mess." No, "What can I do to fix it?" No, "Let me pay for the plumber since I'm the one responsible." She just laughed the incident off and acted like it was no big deal when it cost me several hours of my time and a plumber's payment..

I'm not easily offended and I try not to make mountains out of molehills. She just wasn't thinking and made a mistake. But I have to admit I was aggravated with her, not just because of the stopped up drain, but mostly because I didn't like the fact that she treated it so lightly. I began wondering if maybe she had never been taught how to be sensitive to the effect her actions have on others. This led me to the thought that all relationships might run smoother if people were more versed in giving apologies. And I also began to think that learning to give a meaningful, appropriate apology might just be one of the most important people skills we can teach our children. There have been quite a few times in my life I've run into Christians who either don't bother to apologize or who have no concept of how to extend an apology appropriate for the situation. Becauseof this, they inadvertently weakened their relationship with me and with others.

As I was pondering all this, I realized that an apology isn't just for the sake of the person inconvenienced or offended. For some reason, when you do something that treats someone else like their personhood, feelings, time, energy, or belongings aren't important, it also hurts you, and seeking forgiveness from the one you've wronged helps heal you of your own self-inflicted pain. That's why one of the primary steps in every 12 Step recovery program is asking those you've wronged to forgive you. I'm also wondering if that's what Matthew 23 - 24 is all about—when it says if we know someone has "ought against" us, we need to clear that up before approaching God. So I think learning how to apologize resolves "offenses" on both sides and also somehow helps clear things up between us and God..

Let's take a look at what constitutes an appropriate apology. I'm sure you're already familiar with the fact that there are five different love languages. I won't go into them here, but if you don't know what they are, you need to get the book, read it, and start practicing it.

Just as there are five different love languages, there are also five different types of apologies. The type of apology needed depends on the recipient's "apology language" and on the level of severity of the offense. For example, a sincere, "I'm sorry," may be enough of an apology for clogging the disposal line, but a different kind of apology is needed if you've borrowed someone's car and totaled it or if you've cheated on your spouse.

Have you ever wondered about times when you just didn't feel like a person's apology was sincere? It's probably because it wasn't appropriate to the level of the offense, so it left you carrying the burden of the emotional pain or damage the other person caused you and your relationship. A real apology takes that burden off your shoulders or at least helps you carry it. That being said, here are the five different types of apology. They are inspired by Gary Chapman's book, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships. I've assigned them levels according to the amount of damage that was done to the relationship. The deeper the damage you've caused to a person or relationship, the more different levels of apology you should offer. But the apologies have to be sincere or they aren't really apologies, they're just self-centered attempts to get you "off the hook."

Level 1: Express Regret...the "I'm sorry I hurt/frustrated/inconvenienced you" apology

This apology focuses on being sensitive to how your actions have affected another and being sorry for the hurt, frustration, or inconvenience you brought into another person's life. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame, and it doesn't trivialize the other person's emotional reaction but acknowledges it as valid. This type of apology is kind of an "all purpose" apology appropriate for most of the little things that go wrong between people. In the blocked drain example, I would have liked at least an "I'm sorry."

Level 2: Accept Responsibility...the "I was wrong" apology

At one time or another we are all going to make poor decisions that negatively affect others and we are going to have to accept responsibility for our own failures and admit we were wrong. Many times, all the other person wants is to know is that you realize you were wrong. The only way they will know is if you admit it: “I was wrong, I shouldn't have done that.” If your apology neglects accepting responsibility for your actions and does not admit fault, it probably isn't sincere and probably won't be meaningful to the person you're apologizing to.

Level 3: Make Restitution...the "I'll do whatever it takes to make this right" apology

If you have done something that caused another person loss in some way (emotionally, physically, materially, financially, etc.), you need to not only acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person, you need to also make things right in whatever way you made them wrong. If you caused the other person financial loss, you need to repay. If you damaged property, you need to repair the damage or replace the property. If you wounded them emotionally, you need to do whatever you can to help them heal. If the situation calls for restitution, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” your apology will never seem sincere. You must also show a strong attempt to make amends.

Level 4: Genuinely Repent...the "I'll change and won't do it again" apology

For the most relationally damaging offences, repentance is the only way your apology will be convincing. People will doubt the sincerity of your apology if you don't demonstrate a willingness to modify your behavior to avoid the same situation in the future.

An important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change, but you've got to back up your promise to change with actions that prove you are at least trying. The person you are apologizing to cannot read your mind—he or she has got to hear you say you're going to change and see you do it.

Many people have a problem giving this type of apology when they don't feel their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with valuing the relationship enough to change things we're doing that damage or weaken it.

Level 5: Request Forgiveness...the "Will you forgive me?" apology

This one is kind of tricky for two reasons. First, because we've been taught as Christians to start off with this apology when actually it needs to be the apology that follows all of the others. Second, because this apology is often used in a manipulative way. I've had "Christians" steal from me and betray me and then ask for forgiveness without acknowledging any wrongdoing, without showing any remorse for the pain or loss they caused me, without taking any steps towards restitution and without showing any signs of willingness to change. If I didn't immediately grant them forgiveness, they made it seem as if I were the one who had acted "un-Christianly," not them. If I did immediately grant them forgiveness, they expected me to fully trust them again without re-earning my trust.

Forgiveness isn't something you can demand from another person. Asking forgiveness acknowledges that you don't deserve it and that the other person has a choice of whether or not to grant it. And remember, forgiveness  is often a process. If you have severely wounded someone else—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, materially, financially, socially—the person you've wounded may need time to process their pain and loss and to see that you are genuinely repentant before they can wholeheartedly forgive you.

Remember, these apologies aren't to be used as techniques for getting you off the hook for something you've done. The basis for any apology is a genuine concern for the other person and a desire to strengthen the relationship between the two of you and make up for anything you may have done to weaken it.

Hope this has been helpful! Have a great week!

Ellyn

P. S. Don't worry, my friend and I are fine. I used the garbage disposal incident to reinforce my point because I thought it was such an innocuous example of how even small things can cause tension in a relationship and how it's possible for us to be oblivious to the effect we may be having on others.

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